Resilience

Resilience: "The psychological quality that allows some people to be knocked down by the adversities of life and come back at least as strong as before." (Psychology Today). Instead of allowing challenges, trauma, failure, etc. overwhelm me, I choose to find a way to change and continue to move forward.

For the last 3 years, I feel there has been nothing but challenges and trauma. Without going into details this has been the last 3yrs.

2022: I found my grandmother post-stroke in her home.

2023: Everyone died. 3 deaths, within 4 months.

2024 (so far): My house flooded and I was terminated from my job on the same day. 

I have experienced every range of emotions; rage, anger, being overwhelmed, anxiety, irritability, sadness, joy, peace, fear, guilt, lonely, bitterness, etc. If you name an emotion, I have experienced it in one way or another.

After being terminated from my job, I was livid. I thought"Why is it when the bullied finally fights back, I get punished!?" I chose to take the wise words of my supervisor (she advocated and fought for me to keep my job and for the other person* to be terminated) "F*** company name here. Put my name and number down on all your references." and immediately started applying for jobs. 

*Context the other person was terminated too for bullying and creating a hostile work environment.*

2 weeks later, I had 2 job interviews lined up!

3 days after the 2nd interview, I received a job offer! 

After negotiating pay like a professional, I accepted the job offer and will start Monday, May 20th as a Substance Abuse Counselor in a prison the next county over.

Resiliency bitches! Can't hold me down.

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Has it been easy being unemployed? Shit no! Being unemployed was financially stressful. Thankfully, I never went without and had support from friends and family. 

As I embrace this new upcoming adventure, I am doing it afraid.

Here's to new jobs, doing it afraid, and being one resilient badass.

🍻  *Raises mug full of rootbeer*

Grief

The American Psychological Association, defines grief is as "Grief is the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person. Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future. Intense grief can become life-threatening through disruption of the immune system, self-neglect, and suicidal thoughts. Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself." 

To me, grief is...

- an ache in your heart that wont go away.

- Wanting to text them a meme and remembering they are not there.

- Going over to their house and expecting them to be there.

- Feeling like something is missing all the time.

- A heavy feeling in your entire body.

- Laughing/smiling at good memories.

- Silent.

- Hearing a song that makes you think of them.

- Crying in your car.

- Putting on your work clothes and resuming your daily schedule.

I have lost 3 important people to me in the last 4 months. Each loss happened within a month of each other. Each loss delivered a new wave of fresh, raw, unfiltered grief. When I am asked the question of "how are you doing?" I don't know how to answer, because how I am doing changes all the time.

How am I doing? 

- I've cried more in the last 4 months than I have in a long time.

- I feel raw.

- I find myself more withdrawn and introverted.

- I'm leaning into my supporters and support system.

- I am making jokes (sometimes morbid).

- I'm working my many jobs and serving in the best capacity I can.

- I'm always thinking about them.

- I'm physically uncomfortable within my own skin.

- I'm consuming caffeine and sugar in high volumes. 

- I'm meeting with my therapist weekly and doing check-in's with her as needed.

- I'm laughing and smiling.

For me, grief is weird and complex. I'm learning how to navigate it and it is not easy! I'm thankful for my faith, supporters, psycho-pharmaceutical medications and WRAP. Each are helpful tools I'm trying to remember to pull out of the wellness toolbox and use them.

As I learned from a TED talk sent to me by my therapist "You don't 'move on' with grief. You simply move forward with it." 

Here is to the journey of the season of grief. 

Introduction to the Rainbow Spaghetti Brain

Hello, Neurodivergents and friends alike!

Welcome to the Rainbow Spaghetti Brain blog! 

If you have been following me for a while, you know I blogged a while back. However, I lost interest and let it fall into the many projects I've started but never finished. 

I have redesigned, reimagined, and renewed the blog!

The purpose of this platform is to share my lived experience as a human living with mental illness in hopes to continue to break the stigma associated with mental illness, mental health, and everything in-between! 

I hope you stay tuned and are able to get a glimpse inside the mind of a neurodivergent.