The American Psychological Association, defines grief is as "Grief is the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person. Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future. Intense grief can become life-threatening through disruption of the immune system, self-neglect, and suicidal thoughts. Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself."
To me, grief is...
- an ache in your heart that wont go away.
- Wanting to text them a meme and remembering they are not there.
- Going over to their house and expecting them to be there.
- Feeling like something is missing all the time.
- A heavy feeling in your entire body.
- Laughing/smiling at good memories.
- Silent.
- Hearing a song that makes you think of them.
- Crying in your car.
- Putting on your work clothes and resuming your daily schedule.
I have lost 3 important people to me in the last 4 months. Each loss happened within a month of each other. Each loss delivered a new wave of fresh, raw, unfiltered grief. When I am asked the question of "how are you doing?" I don't know how to answer, because how I am doing changes all the time.
How am I doing?
- I've cried more in the last 4 months than I have in a long time.
- I feel raw.
- I find myself more withdrawn and introverted.
- I'm leaning into my supporters and support system.
- I am making jokes (sometimes morbid).
- I'm working my many jobs and serving in the best capacity I can.
- I'm always thinking about them.
- I'm physically uncomfortable within my own skin.
- I'm consuming caffeine and sugar in high volumes.
- I'm meeting with my therapist weekly and doing check-in's with her as needed.
- I'm laughing and smiling.
For me, grief is weird and complex. I'm learning how to navigate it and it is not easy! I'm thankful for my faith, supporters, psycho-pharmaceutical medications and WRAP. Each are helpful tools I'm trying to remember to pull out of the wellness toolbox and use them.
As I learned from a TED talk sent to me by my therapist "You don't 'move on' with grief. You simply move forward with it."
Here is to the journey of the season of grief.
