Grief

The American Psychological Association, defines grief is as "Grief is the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person. Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future. Intense grief can become life-threatening through disruption of the immune system, self-neglect, and suicidal thoughts. Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself." 

To me, grief is...

- an ache in your heart that wont go away.

- Wanting to text them a meme and remembering they are not there.

- Going over to their house and expecting them to be there.

- Feeling like something is missing all the time.

- A heavy feeling in your entire body.

- Laughing/smiling at good memories.

- Silent.

- Hearing a song that makes you think of them.

- Crying in your car.

- Putting on your work clothes and resuming your daily schedule.

I have lost 3 important people to me in the last 4 months. Each loss happened within a month of each other. Each loss delivered a new wave of fresh, raw, unfiltered grief. When I am asked the question of "how are you doing?" I don't know how to answer, because how I am doing changes all the time.

How am I doing? 

- I've cried more in the last 4 months than I have in a long time.

- I feel raw.

- I find myself more withdrawn and introverted.

- I'm leaning into my supporters and support system.

- I am making jokes (sometimes morbid).

- I'm working my many jobs and serving in the best capacity I can.

- I'm always thinking about them.

- I'm physically uncomfortable within my own skin.

- I'm consuming caffeine and sugar in high volumes. 

- I'm meeting with my therapist weekly and doing check-in's with her as needed.

- I'm laughing and smiling.

For me, grief is weird and complex. I'm learning how to navigate it and it is not easy! I'm thankful for my faith, supporters, psycho-pharmaceutical medications and WRAP. Each are helpful tools I'm trying to remember to pull out of the wellness toolbox and use them.

As I learned from a TED talk sent to me by my therapist "You don't 'move on' with grief. You simply move forward with it." 

Here is to the journey of the season of grief.